When I was growing up - 'round 12, 14 - I was always self
conscious about my height. I was always the shortest in class -I
was like four[feet] eight and a half[inches] in the eighth grade!
It was en embarrassment for me to be that tall - that short! And
all my friends - in fun - would pick on me. They would call me
"ankle biter", and "worm", and
"stepladder", and after a while it started to get to
me.
I started feeling self-conscious about myself and my height. I
didn't think I was going to grow any taller 'cause my parents are
short. My parents are like this tall.
I actually... I went to my doctor's and I asked him, "Is
there anything you can give me - like maybe steroids - that will
help me grow?"
He kind of looked at me, and he laughed and he said, "Listen
Pat, relax, you'll grow, you'll be fine, don't worry about
it."
And after a while, one year, I just sprouted to five, five and a
half - five six. I'm happy with my height, it doesn't bother me
any more.
You know, I realize now that it was silly for me to worry about
that. I think it's more important to worry about what kind of
person you are. Instead of your outer self you should worry about
your inner self. It is just silly. I mean, everybody goes through
it, everybody's self-conscious about themselves.
I was always embarrassed to go up to girls, 'cause they looked
like trees to me. At dances, I'd be too scared to ask them.
This one girl in Grade 8 asked me to dance and she was like the
tallest in the class, and I'm dancing with her and my head's in
her bosom, you know, like this. All the guys are like, "Yo
man, you're lucky, I wish I was your height", and stuff like
that. And I was like, "Yeah...yeah...".
I didn't start dating girls until I was about 15. I was always
interested in girls, and I liked girls. But I never had the
courage to go up to a girl and say, "Would you like to go
out with me?".
I had a lot of friends that were girls, because - well, guys were
cool too - but for some reason I was friends with a lot more
girls than guys. After a while, a lot of my guy friends started
dating girls and it seemed like the thing to do - to have a
girlfriend, or to be dating.
So I started dating around 14, 15. And it wasn't like all of a
sudden girls were like these things, these sex objects. Girls to
me were always girls - they were the opposite sex, but they could
be cool too. They could be like a friend, like a guy - you know?
I dated a lot of girls, and I guess only one of them meant a
lot to me. I think I've only been in love once.
It's funny, when you're in love for the first time - there are a
lot of weird things going through your mind. Everything is the
first time, all these emotions you're feeling, it's the first
time, it's great. I mean, I felt like I was on the top of the
world, I always wanted to spend time with this girl, I made
sacrifices for her. And she was everything to me. Up until that
point I'd never cared that much about a person that I was seeing.
I mean, I've cared about the girls I dated, but not to the point
were it was so strong I thought we were going to get married and
stuff.
Eventually we broke up, and that's when it gets kind of scary.
For me, it was hard because I really cared about this girl a lot,
and I expected the relationship to last longer than it did. And
it didn't. So I kind fell into a ... small depression. A little
bit, just a little, and it wasn't disastrous or anything like
that - but it hurt.
And you know, the emotions I was feeling [were for] the first
time. I didn't know how to deal with these emotions. I realize
today I'm over her. I still think about her once in a while, and
it's sad. But I chalk it up to experience.
Well, you can't really explain it. This was the only girl that
I cared about so much that I would do anything for her. I thought
about her constantly. I had a stupid grin on my face everywhere I
went and people would say, "Okay, he's seeing somebody...
he's happy".
I think afterwards I realized even more - because it took me so
long to get over her - I realized I must have been in love with
this girl, because it couldn't be an obsession. Maybe love and
obsession are the same thing... I don't know. 'Cause when you
love somebody all you want is that person, and I really wanted
her - and couldn't have her... I accept it now. We're friends
now, that's the cool part.
I think love is a wonderful thing. Even though my first experience with it was painful, I believe to fall out of love you're going to fall in love again. And I'm totally ready to fall in love again.